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STFU!

"Theres no way! Becky did what???? Thats soooooo grosssssssss.... She shouldn't even try and fit into that.... Last time I saw her I was like, and she was alll..... ewwww."

Why do the most annoying people insist on talking at an unreasonable volume!?  We ALL know the ones.  Trying to enjoy a cup of Joe at the local Starbucks when Wendy Who the Fuck starts raaaaving about Becky and her big butt.  We dont care!!! Wendy... a normal volume would suffice, or maybe you should express your whiny voice via text message, drink your coffee and leave the rest of the world to peace =)


And lest we forget the public business deal.   Its all a secret between business partners in the news, but why must every man in a suit talk about they juicy details of their business nuances at max capacity?  "Bill there is no way we can pull that deal out of the ground!  The way Alex parades around with hookers in the media, the business is having trouble as it is!  Unless we can convince him that fake titties and high heels aren't sexy then we will never get Wall Street on board!"

Of course the Baskin Robbins... full of children, and loving parents... needs to hear all about Alex's addiction to the wonders of paid for by the pound boobies.

The government has started to require headsets in cars... Maybe we can petition for the "STFU You are annoying and talk way to loud whilst on your phone in public places limitation device!"

Tab-let-down

"Just try it.  You'll love it I promise.  Its so much more convenient around the house and while traveling!"

Wise words of tablet flattery!  Oiy Ve.  The last two months of my life brought to test this theory that the laptop is dead.

Day 1:  To the couch we go! The T.V. is on and I'm happily downloading apps to my beautiful new Galaxy Tab 10.1.   The lovely display is complimented by the sleek looks and interactive touch screen.  Email? There's an app for that.  Facebook? an app!  Ebay?  an app! .............. Apps are just so damn exciting! (smiley face).

Day 2: Back at it.  Lets check my blog, see who's reading!?  Oops, the flash player didn't quite load right.  No sweat back to my apps, love em to death!

Day 3: Grab that tab! Why not see what the world has to say on Facebook.  loooooooaaaaddddding... but alas here we are.  "OMG did you see dancing with the starrrrs?"  Sweet, the worlds still the same!  Maybe someones on chat.  Oooops, chat doesnt work with this app.  No sweat. The touch screen is still cool.

Day 4:  Whats happening on the interwebs today? Choices...Choices...  Laptop come hither!

Why does everything on a tablet have the same convenience as a smartphone?  Simply put, the operating systems just aren't there yet.  Browsers are slow.  Apps don't support all the features.  Typing sucks. And the biggest draw for most people the games..... are either hard to play or boring after 30 minutes.(If you justified spending 600 and change for a tablet just to keeps the kids quiet in the car then... Yikes).   Not to mention the business aspect to these devices.  Do you really see yourself working on an excel spreadsheet with your tablet?  Good luck, grab a beer and hunker down its going to be a long frustrating while.  Maybe you want to take some notes in word... Sure can!  Type away at 10 WPM then get back to me, and don't even think about formatting those notes without your computer.  And yes you can play that PowerPoint, but try and make one with your lovely tabby.  That tablet is a glorified flash-drive if all your doing is using its hard drive. 

Yes the portability and battery life of the tablet has its advantages, but the features aren't there yet.  Games are short and boring, productivity is convenient only when your bored, and the price is ridiculous.  Each and every app that is advertised with deity status comes standard with most laptops for the same price or less.  And laptops are keeping up, battery life with ultra-portable laptops running fully featured operating systems are approaching double digits, for a slightly higher price than your coveted tablet.  Throw in all the adapter your need to meet that laptops connectivity, 1-5 dollars for most worthwhile apps you download, and we are in a dead heat.

Put the best tablet and a Macbook Air on a table side by side(and I hate Macs).  I'll take that Macbook any day of the week.

My dream for technology

Ladies and Gentleman, this is where I want technology to be in 5 years.

Imagine a device that is small and sleek.  At the same time it is large and elegant.  Imagine a device that takes the simplicity of design, but incorporates the productivity of power.  What if you got a picture message on a pocket sized device, and unfolded it to show an entire room?  Or left the tablet in the past?

 Flexibility is the point here.  What I want to see is a 3 inch phone that can unfold into a 10 inch tablet, or an 18 inch computer screen.  A device that can project a digital keyboard onto a surface to allow productivity's needs. What if your phone camera was a projector?  A Photo editor? A keyboard and mouse?  What if that palm sized 5 oz device could unfold into a desktop powerhouse, or a Wifi television?

The idea of a flexible touchscreen and projected imagery leads to so many possibilities.  If we can create pliable hardware we can fold any sized device into the palm of your hand.

What would you pay for a full sized laptop, with the power of a desktop, and the portability of a cell phone?

Do me a favor!

Technology is not ALL that complicated.  If there is one simple piece of advice I can give... It is to EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS.  Throwing it, turn it off and leaving, setting it down, or just plain yelling it at DOES NOT FIX THE PROBLEM. 

You can do it!  Hit a few buttons, click, point, touch, explore... hell just play with it! (Yeah yeah I know thats what he/she said)

And for god sakes, stop buying how to books!

Editorial

On an off topic editorial break, I would like to salute the beauty of alliteration.  There's nothing quite as satisfying as putting together a sweet string of alliterated gold.  Something seems so serendipitous about this portion of the English language, so here is your due!

Thank YOU alliteration.

Is there an editor??

As an avid blogger and tech news follower... I normally would take an article with grace let the writer write.  But WTF happened here?  On the same page... In the same headline bar... By the same news source... Two articles arguing exact opposite points?  I was so incredible confused I had to write a post about it.  Boy Genius Report has decided Apple has risen to, and is currently great... while at the same time deciding they have taken a step back from greatness and moving away from public favor. 

You tell me? Because at this juncture I am clueless. 

What Gives?

Humor me here and go to an article, or a youtube video, or tech review and read a few comments....Done?? K Good.  Now.  Whyyyyyyyyyy is everyone always so angry in these things? I mean seriously...

Regrettably, I have faith in people's intelligence every once and a while and decide to scroll to the bottom of the  page. What a sucker I am. 
     "@SomeIdiot Your such a fanboy, how could you possibly think that product has any value at all.  Your an idiot and blindly follow whatever the man tells you!  Go suck it and come back when you grow a pair of big boy balls..."
Sound familiar??? Yep Maybe we should just skip out on the whole comment section for articles.  Unless of course you have a possitive comment for my perfect blog.

Technology!

A;alksdf;nva;wlevnwa;oev;awefj!

Why doesn't it just do what I want????  I just want this contact to show up last name first, sorted in alphabetical order by first name, displaying memos first, then mobile numbers, then email addresses, with a quick link to Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, text messaging, email, video chat, phone call, calender events featuring this contact, photos they have been tagged in on Facebook, but I don't anything else from Facebook in there, and a complete address book that updates with government records so I don't have to change their address each time they move.  IS THAT SO HARD?

People seem to demand an incredible amount of things out of their technology.  If one device does not connect to, organize, and mobilize literally every part of someones life it just is worthless now isn't it?

While I understand this point of view and respect the dream... You can't be so picky!!!  If one little bug shows up the whole experience seems to be ruined for most folks.

If you demand a million functions in a device please be tolerant that one or two things may malfunction.  Life sure is hard having everything in the palm of your hand, but the minute an email takes a minute to load life is over!??

Its all in the NAME

The Casio G'zOne. The Pantech Crux, Nvidia. The Apple iPad. GNU Snowboards(Yeah its a snowboard company, but how the fuck do you pronounce that???) and just for taste, www.bjs.com(A prominent tech retailer).

Was anybody around to say excuse me? Did no-one blink at the fact that a revolutionary product sounds like a necessity to feminine hygiene?  Maybe it was strategy to lure in horny teenagers to buy the hottest tech products with www.bjs.com? In retrospect that could just be a genious marketing ploy that my simplistic A.D.D. mind just can't comprehend. But seriously...

It cannot just be me here!  These names suck!

Don't ruin my TV bro...!

So you just bought a huge new TV eh?  The colors are indeed gorgeous and of course I will go 30 minutes out of my way on my trip back from work just to see it! 

Any new oversized television owner can concur, that first beautiful moment of HD is a gripping sensation liable to produce tears... But what happens when a few hours later your going through the hundreds of HD channels via cable... POW! 

THE QUADRUPLE BAR!  We are all used to the two bars on the side of non-HD material... But what cruel and disgruntled television coordinator decided to make a show with not just two bars on the sides, but two on the top and bottom!  Maybe it was a person jealous to the beauty which owning a lovely, luscious, luxuriously lavish, and large televison can bring into ones living room.  Or maybe it was someone so vindictive and mean spirited that they had no choice but to diminish all 60 inches on LED glory on your wall into 47 inches of misery.  Buyer beware, cable is out to ruin your gigantic fantasies.

What do you mean its not free?

  I'm not quite sure how this phenomenon of free came about... But it needs to end! 
Everyone understands what a loyal customer you are, and how much money you spend here every year, and how you promote this company to all of your friends, and how long you have been a paying customer, and how you will drive out of your way to come to this store, and why your business is important to us... BUT it has occurred to me and it should occur to all of you as well, electronics are a business!!! Going into a store and demanding hundreds of dollars off, or expecting all the fees to be waived destroys the beauty of profitability to which business thrives on. 

Despite the common misconception, electronics are not free to manufacture and a retailer has a margin of profitability!  Believe me I know how important you are, but a profit is a profit and without it you would be making your own products!

Size Does Matter

Everyone knows that size matters.  So why are we all walking around with Blu-Rays and CD's that just cant compete??  The Laser Disc disappeared for no reason and I move to bring it back!.  Just as vinyl records are alive and kicking the Laser Disc deserves a niche market!

And who wouldn't a room full of not quite high definition movies on a larger than life circular disc which at its pinnacle rivaled the size of the actual TV's themselves!

But what I am really trying to say is, CD's and MP3's defiantly sound better than vinyl albums.  No snap crackle and pop, needles are not necessary(for all of you who are scared), and most importantly...Shoving that massive disc in your iPod could prove difficult. 

You all saw that coming right?

Outlook!

What is your email address?  "I use Outlook." No I mean who is your email through?  "Outlook on my computer."  What your email address? "blahblahblah@gmail.com, but its Outlook."


Ok can we take a few moments to clarify!?  Outlook simply shows you your emails.  There is no Outlook email address.  You don't give out an Outlook email address, and in no way shape or form does outlook give you the ability to send or receive email without a 3rd party email provider!!!!  Google has email, Yahoo has email, even Microsoft has email(HOTMAIL NOT OUTLOOK!)

I don't have time for all of that...

Time for what?  The added convenience of your email at your fingertips 24/7?  Or maybe the burden of putting the final touches on that powerpoint right before you presentation... And yes I know its so very stressful having your digital camera, music player, phone, and that sweet briefcase of a  daytimer you carry all in one pocket sized device... BUT I THOUGHT YOU DIDN"T HAVE TIME FOR THAT?!?

Ladies and Gentleman, it's time to accept your fate!   Maybe you won't give in because you don't want to admit you don't know how to use it, or maybe you're just too cool for convenience, but you can't run forever!  Technology will catch up.  I realize the first car was a scary venture for many, but this is merely a smartphone.  Barring any freak accidents or bad horror movie plots, your life will improve with the device of your dreams!

Hybridonia

WHY! CANT A HYBRID! LOOK! NORMAL???

Of course I would love to drive an eco-friendly, gas sipping, sex machine called by most normal beings a car.  But what happened to the beautiful backside and nice sleek looks? When did that go out the window?

It seems to me that this hybrid craze is nothing more than a hipster happening for showboating the newest jellybean shaped mobile!  Well I say nay... Why not just take the beautiful guts of the hybrid and throw those in what we all know and love as a sexy looking car...  Something we could all be proud to park somewhere other than the local coffee shop to argue opposite view points on everything popular whilst sipping a mocha latte green tea frape and smoking non-other than American Spirits(because they are just better)?!

Thanks to Steve!

Seriously???? He wore the same thing for 13 years...  iBet its custom made.

Oldspice!

A side note from the normal tech talk.  What has Oldspice done to commercials?? Every time i turn around its another guy making ridiculous statements for whatever product happens to be up to bat!

Wendy's? Gillette? Whats next?? You never know what the next product to apparate diamonds may be.

Texas? Texts!

 "OMG Becky I looked at my phone and I sent sooooo mannny texas this month!  It's just crazy, can you believe it???" 

Maybe Becky agrees how crazy it is or maybe she doesn't, but whats really concerning here??  The beautiful figment of technology called text messaging allows the most futile abbreviations of the english language to flurry amongst the genius of our future. And Thats OK! 

In comparasion to this primordial sin of pronunciation to which our youth still has the ability to execute properly; a correctly pronounced "Oh My God" by a third grader easily out smarts the simple fact that one can merely send multiple texts... Not texas.   T.E.X.T.S does not equal Texas!

Thank you for your consideration in this affair.  XOXO... Andrew

Comeback!

The bigger the better?  Well that may depend what we are talking about...  But the era of face engulfing real estate properties we are calling phones nowadays has peaked!

Slim, sleek, and sexy!  Sounds like a fun night to me, and of course you want to look cool while talking to a real live person. Conversation is on its way back, and let me tell you, its not in the form of a how r u! 

It only makes sense you would seemingly be more popular when people want to hear your real live voice, and what better way to do that than with that beautiful conversation piece that fits perfectly in your pocket. 

Oh yeah, and you'll sound good too ;)

It's all in the name!

It recently occurred to me with the overload of technology companies and products that names are becoming less and less important.  And how could you argue with one of the most popular products of the year duly named the iPad.  With the exception of Apple who so cleverly names everything i, who comes up with these names?  Is it some guy hanging around the office getting paid way to much to come up with a bold yet smooth alias for a device that can reach the cosmos with its intensity.  And yes I did just use all phone names in the end of that sentence. 

We should try this out for a size, a giant lottery pick system, similar to sports, where a computer randomly generates a number of names and each product gets its chance to pick the name they want.  Upon entry each item is given a number and randomly selected for who gets to choose first.  The names can range anywhere from house cat breeds to vicious yacht names. 

Or wait, is that how choose already?

Scandal!

A reported scandal featuring the tech company Apple has been discovered after months of succesful sales with the iPad.

It appears after investigation that the iPad has indeed stolen the iPod interface! The larger iPad counterpart may soon earn the name the iPod Jumbo as people are assuming its ability to play the newest media format, JumboMP3. The support of this format would be huge(no pun intended) as JumboMP3 will have the capability to play lil' Jon's newest music style "ScreamoRageCrunk" which is simply too loud for traditional MP3 devices.

This shocking news comes only a few days after the reported 26.5 million dollars Kotex paid Apple to name the device the iPad. This large amount of money was put forth in hopes that the iPad name would boost sales of Kotex feminine products.

A double cappuccino should cover it!

I gotta feel for the friendly locally owned and by no means corporate juggernaut Starbucks.  Everyday in towns like your own, poor Starbucks locations are being taken advantage of by rent-dodging portable businessmen!

And why wouldn't a small coffee cover all office rental fees?  It's time to take a stand people.  No longer can we allow someone to set up a desktop computer, monitor, printer, fax machine, separate laptop, network cable and router to power both devices with the wonders of the inter-webs, plus 3 coffees, two sodas, and a large suitcase with rolling wheels to top it off... at the local coffee giant. 

The worst part is the coffee shops are helping them do it!  Every counter comes complete with 300 outlets, wifi, and all other means of connectivity.  Take a stand and use the drive-thru!(Yes I planned that irony that at no point would you stand up going through the drive-thru)

Guitarded!

Breaking news! A recent study found in the amount of time it takes to master expert mode on guitar hero, you could have actually become one.

Flamer jokes aside, this man is obviously burning up the charts one colorful button at a time.  And who wouldn't be proud enough of their digital endeavors and button mashing ability to purchase a flaming guitar/strap/shirt set complete with obligatory rock-fist?   Of course this guitar package only becomes available once you unlock and beat the game on the maximum virginity difficulty level!

Rock on.

It's a Girl!!!

Who wouldn't want their girlfriend to play video games with them?  Every man's dream right? Wrong!

Ok, so maybe I exaggerated a little on the wrong part but it is seemingly cruel to subject your love interest to endless banter.  "Hey baby want to catch my bullets?"  And why wouldn't every guy on the face of an xbox try and pick up a girl whom they never met and is destined to be hundreds of miles away and probably has a boyfriend and isn't attracted to gamers and probably hates pickup lines and for all you know weighs 450 pounds... all on the one and a million shot shes going to ditch the controller, hop in her Civic and ravage you sexy!

That mute button is a saint among sinners isn't it?

You can't catch me!

To quote The Dark Knight, "This town deserves a better class of criminal."

So you think your pretty crafty eh?  Hacked on to your favorite online vendor and snaked a few card numbers!  So what do you do?  Obviously go to homedepot.com buy 3 grand in power tools and caulk(ha he said caulk...) and ship it to your place of residence for the sheer convenience of not having to borrow your buddies truck!  And yes I refuse to buy a truck for that reason alone.

The perfect crime right?  Well... no my friend.  Your computer skills are impressive and your online shopping skills are nothing to scoff at, but there's one fatal flaw.  "Would you like to ship to a different address than you are billing to?" 

Come on people! You can't really believe you won't get caught shipping stolen merchandise to your own parents basement. And lets be realistic, the power tools only make you feel more manly and you're gonna need that whilst locked up in prison!

The iVolution!

I understand an iPod.  I also understand an iPhone.  And I even understand an iPad.

But, touchscreen overload can become a problem!!
After much consideration and an eye opening experience I found it is possible to over-gadgetize oneself!

And iPod for music is great!  An iPhone for calls. music, and internet is great! An iPad for internet and music is great!  But please don't buy all three for their respective uses when one can do all three!

That is all =)

Like I wanted to hear your voice anyway!

OMG I saw you called lol!  what did you need???

Of course behind this lies a perfectly worded, explanatory, and concise voice mail describing each and every detail of the 30 minute text conversation that is about to ensue.  But why save time when we can furiously abbreviate already short phrases with a flurry of lol, brb, rofl, and omfgtih's!(Ok I made that last one up "Oh My Fucking God That Is Hilarious"  Catchy though right?) 

Daydream with me for a second... I am cruising around in a 1989 Ford Pinto blasting Vanilla Ice, sans bluetooth of course.  When all of a sudden I missed a call!  What is that tiny little phone icon in the corner?  Who knows!  So I decide to ignore it and send a quick text reply whilst driving with my left knee and eating a taco courtesy the local eatery.  Moments later my power steering gives out rendering the leverage my knee puts forth useless, now im barreling out of control going 25 down the town side street.  Oh no, a lost puppy in the road!  Squeeelllll... Screeeech... Sweeeerve... thank goodness we avoided the crash and the puppy is ok!!!  Of course the Pinto didn't make out as clean, suffering catastrophic taco stains to the rear and passenger upholstery. 

Now, not only am I stuck with a grade E beef stained car, but I am hungry and have wasted a perfectly good dollar only to create the newest taco rendition...The Whirlwind beefy cheesy surprise(.99 cents for a limited time only).  

What have we learned here today?  Well for starters, read the manual with your phone that tells you what the voice mail icon looks like! For the men out there I know this is unrealistic so simply hit buttons until you figure it out.  And second, voice mail is a great service that deserves better than an undignified text response questioning the very livelihood that is the 30 second message so thoughtfully left in your in-box!

Puppies and Pintos around the world thank you for you consideration of the above article.

Hands Free Baby!

Let me preface this post.  I have, for at least a few hours walked around with a bluetooth headset.  And yes it was empowering. 

That said, its not as sexy as it looks in the picture <------

Safe! Reliable! Crystal clear on a wind-less earth! I get it while driving, or evening talking to the girl on the phone at home, but the mall?  Even worse, whilst bowling? (yes its been done)  We have all seen THAT guy.  I'll even issue a one time, I just wanted to try it pass.  But what happens if it becomes cool?  Then we have 2 million people in one city walking around with bluetooth headsets on and a serious health risk!

We all heard your not supposed to cross the streams in Ghostbusters, and I would caution the same tale here!  One day a few happy "that" guys are walking around chatting it up with their cooler than life friends, and the next Ghosts are brought into the world via bluetooth signal overdose.  Its a classic tale really. Technology saves lives, then years later becomes too popular and revives the dead.

Posted from my iDroidBerry!

"O Em GEE I'm so excited to go to dinner tonight!"
-sent from my iDroidBerry-
As enthralling as the message was, the whole picture of this is very disturbing.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for mobile email capabilities, internet on the go and the expansion of my digital life, but status should be left for Facebook. 

Who wouldn't be excited you responded to an email on your phone?  But there's no need to rub it on the poor soul who doesn't use a data package.  THIS IS AMERICA! what happened to equality, you don't see the email from your besties flip phone read "sent from my reliable flip!"  apparently that is un-hip! Well people, under this precedence it seems all phones were created equal.  Shouldn't Thomas Jefferson roll in his grave.  Lets give "dumb-phones" a chance here.  I move to abolish the phone-tag auto attached on all messages for America! Not to mention the people who have to suffer from the ode-to-douche that reeks in the air!

I already see in 3D!

Mustache aside, this is a stunning group wouldn't you say?  It seems this disturbing trend of sub-par 3d movies has one saving grace... those stylish specs everyone is trying to get their hands on. Who ever said Rec Specs were dead?

Picture this, your dream girl agrees to dinner and being the romeo you are you went for the candle lit table for two and a home cooked meal.  Logic tells us that shiny new 3D TV you have sitting in the living room is a perfect end to the evening.  Dinner was a hit and shes snuggled up with you on the couch watching the latest release of Jackass 3D(unfortunately The Notebook didn't quite make the 3D cut, tear...).  The mood is right, candles are light and its time for the big moment... CLANK!  Glasses unite!  In normal situations a kiss would be the result but you and your date were thwarted by the imprisoning power for your 3D vision.  Now your date realizes the awkward tension, panics and your possibly happy marriage of the future is never to be.


I don't want to seem like a downer on this revelation in entertainment, but its obvious that 3D glasses are home-wreckers denying the very love that was possible with our mystery couple above!  Blame yourself? Never, it was shiny and you bought on impulse, I get it. Let us unite together to remove the shackles these glasses bring to your face and have real 3D entertainment with our already 3D capable eyes!